Healing After Betrayal and Rebuilding Trust
1- Affairs Often Begin with Emotional Disengagement
Gottman points out that the seeds of infidelity are often planted long before any physical act occurs. This stage is marked by emotional disengagement, subtle but significant moments where connection is missed.
– Emotional bids for attention and affection go unnoticed or unanswered.
– Expressions of appreciation and fondness diminish.
– One partner begins to feel invisible, lonely, or rejected.
This erosion of emotional intimacy creates vulnerability, a space where someone outside the relationship can begin to meet those neglected needs.
2- Emotional Affairs Often Precede Physical Ones
Affairs rarely occur in a single moment of weakness. More often, they develop gradually, starting as friendships that become emotionally significant. Emotional affairs can be just as, if not more damaging, than physical ones.
A common progression includes:
– Sharing personal problems with someone outside the marriage.
– Feeling excited or emotionally uplifted by the interaction.
– Favorably comparing the outsider to one’s partner.
– Hiding the depth of this connection from your spouse.
This secrecy marks a key turning point, a betrayal of emotional trust, which can be more
destabilizing than sexual betrayal alone.
Adapted from a book by John Gottman
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Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience helping couples strengthen their relationships. Based in San Diego and providing online therapy throughout California, she specializes in couples therapy, marriage counseling, premarital counseling, affair recovery, communication and conflict, emotional disconnection, and rebuilding trust. Her integrative approach draws on research-based relationship strategies, attachment-informed therapy, and a deep understanding of the emotional patterns that can leave couples feeling hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected.
