Couple Resolve Conflict | San Diego Couples & Family Therapy

When you use dirty fighting techniques to win an argument, both you and your partner ultimately lose!

Communication Patterns You Should Avoid

Escalating

Here you quickly move from the main issue of the argument to questioning your partner’s basic personality, and then move on to wondering whether the relationship is even worth it.

Timing

This involves catching your partner off guard., like looking for a time when your partner is least able to respond or least expects an argument (before he or she leaves for work, or late at night, or during a favorite TV show).

Crucializing

Exaggerating the importance of an issue by drawing conclusions of great magnitude regarding the relationship.“This proves you have never cared about me.”

Brown Bagging

Here you avoid sticking to the original issue. You bring up as many problems as possible, and in great detail. An overwhelmed person can never communicate effectively.

Asking Why

This technique treats your partner like an irresponsible child – “Why don’t you love me like John loves Helen?”– making your partner feel incapable of an adult relationship rather than focusing on the issue at hand.

Cross Complaining

When your partner complains about something, this is the technique of raising a complaint of your own. “I forgot to take make up the bed? How about all the times you haven’t taken out the garbage?”

Over-Generalizing

Using words like “never” or “always” will force your partner into defending his or her overall actions rather than looking at the issue at hand. “You have never done your share in our relationship.”

Blaming

This dirty fighting technique makes it clear that you are not at fault and that you are simply the victim. Here, you never admit that you play any part in the difficulty and that you will never make any changes. Let your partner know that he or she is entirely at fault and that if the relationship is to get any better, it is your partner who will have to change.

Mind Reading

This method lets your partner know that you are the expert in how he or she feels or thinks. This way you won’t have to deal with any issues at all. “You don’t really feel angry right now.” This deprives your partner of all rights as an equal.

Pulling Rank

This avoids addressing the real issues— you just avoid the conflict by saying that you bring home more money, or you have more friends, or you have more education, or you do more around the house. It assumes that there’s no need for equality in a relationship.

Giving Advice

Whenever your partner wants to talk over a problem, act like you are the expert. You tell your partner how to act, think, and feel – and you always have the better answer. If this is ever questioned you can say that you were only trying to be helpful.

Labeling

This involves using negative terms like “neurotic,” “alcoholic,” “immature,” or “paranoid” whenever you want to give the impression that your partner is at fault. It suggests that your partner is inherently flawed rather than focusing on behaviors that can change.

Rejecting Compromise

This means sticking with the philosophy that only one of you can win.

A qualified couples therapist, marriage counselor, or relationship therapist can help you to develop effective communication skills and teach you conflict resolution skills.

Dr. Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

Dr. Baya Mebarek

Dr. Baya Mebarek is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California. She specializes in couple therapy, pre-marital therapy, and in the treatment of children, adolescents, adults, couples and families dealing with depression.

17:44 09 Mar 23

Dr. Baya Mebarek is an exceptional therapist who has helped my wife and me rediscover our marriage's love. When we first came to her, we struggled with communication issues, and it seemed like we were constantly at odds with each other. Dr. Mebarek was incredibly patient and understanding, creating a safe space to express our feelings and concerns without fear of judgment.Dr. Mebarek gave us practical tools and techniques to improve communication and deepen our connection. She helped us see that our differences were not weaknesses but strengths that complemented each other. Through her guidance, we understood each other's needs and perspectives better, which brought us closer together.One of the most significant changes we experienced was learning how to listen actively to each other. Dr. Mebarek taught us how to communicate more effectively by paraphrasing and validating each other's feelings, which helped us to avoid misunderstandings and arguments.We are so grateful to Dr. Mebarek for helping us to save our marriage. She is a knowledgeable, compassionate, and insightful therapist who truly cares about her client's well-being. Thanks to her guidance, we now have a stronger and more loving relationship than ever before. We highly recommend her to anyone seeking to improve their relationship.

15:59 07 Dec 22

It’s always said that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Reality is that it takes three people. Dr Baya has been able to consistently keep our marriage on track sometimes the things that we go in with seems so difficult and so damaging and yet when we leave it all seems so small in the bigger picture. We have been going to her for over two years and I credit, her expertise in the field of marriage counseling for the reason my marriage is not only still existing but much better than it would be had we not started seeing her.

01:32 14 Oct 22

My now husband and I went for premarital therapy. She is absolutely fantastic. She is to the point and extremely intelligent. We both love working with her as a couple!

15:16 04 Oct 22

I have collegially associated with Dr. Baya Mebarek for over two years. During this time she has demonstrated a keen sense of intuitive insight, a highly-ethical regard for her profession, and genuine regard for those she serves.Dr. Mebarek is gentle and strong. She understands people and knows how to help them find and live their best life.I am confident that she does and will provide incredible care to those she serves, and will build and hold trust and therapeutic alliance, and will safeguard clients' entrusted and protected confidential information.

16:35 13 Oct 21

I would highly recommend Dr. Baya. We have been using her services for a few months now and see progress after every session with her. She is the first therapist we’ve used that we feel truly cares about the issues of her individual clients and listens well, but can also give great advice when necessary. Other than being a great therapist, we feel she is also a wonderful person and very punctual, which I always appreciate.

22:23 05 Mar 19

Dr. Mebarek is an illuminated soul. She told me not what I wanted to hear, but absolutely what I needed to hear. She is a seer & teller of truth, and will give you her professional opinion, which is like gold. I would recommend anyone to go talk to her in her cool & cozy office. She might save your life.

20:11 05 Jan 14

When you seek out a health practitioner, you want someone who is competent at their craft. Of equal importance, it makes a considerable difference to be treated by someone who is compassionate, nurturing, and has a grounding and calming presence. Dr Baya Mebarek is all of these things. She is genuinely interested in how her patients feel and is dedicated to helping trigger positive changes for a better mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. She is present, thoughtful and effective in her treatments. I live in SF and don't get to see her as often as I would like but I travel down to get my needed dose! I highly recommend Dr Mebarek.

Couples & Conflicts- Part 4