The Inevitable Change in Marriage
As a couple’s therapist, I often hear clients lament, “He/she is not the person I married.” And they are correct! Partners in a marriage will inevitably change over time, leading to moments when spouses might feel like they are married to a stranger. This is a natural part of life, as we are all continually evolving.
Continuous Evolution
Partners continually undergo personal growth, career shifts, changes in interests, and other life transformations. The person you marry will not be the same person ten, twenty, or thirty years later. This inevitability of change can create challenges in a marriage, as spouses might feel disconnected or unfamiliar with each other at various stages, particularly in our fast-paced, busy society.
Embracing the Stranger
As partners change, they might develop new habits, see things from different perspectives, or alter their emotional responses. This can be surprising but is also healthy. Mature love in marriage involves a commitment to loving your spouse as they grow and change over time. Love is not just an emotion but a decision to be faithful, patient, and supportive regardless of the changes that occur.
Steps for Loving Through the Inevitable Changes
- Accept Change as Natural
- Understand that change is inevitable and approach it with a realistic mindset, knowing that both you and your spouse will evolve over time.
- Understand New Aspects of Your Spouse
- Make a concerted effort to understand the new aspects of your spouse through active listening, empathy, and a willingness to learn about their new interests, perspectives, and needs.
- Maintain Open and Honest Communication
- Regularly check in with each other about your feelings, expectations, and any changes you’re experiencing. Effective communication helps bridge the gap that changes can create.
By recognizing and accepting that change is a natural part of life, couples can navigate the challenges it brings with grace and commitment. Embracing the stranger your spouse may become and growing together through active efforts to understand and communicate, will ensure a deeper and more resilient bond.
Adapted from a book of Tim Keller
Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience helping couples strengthen their relationships. Based in San Diego and providing online therapy throughout California, she specializes in couples therapy, marriage counseling, premarital counseling, affair recovery, communication and conflict, emotional disconnection, and rebuilding trust. Her integrative approach draws on research-based relationship strategies, attachment-informed therapy, and a deep understanding of the emotional patterns that can leave couples feeling hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected.
