Six Essential Conflict Resolution Skills for Couples
- Soften Your Startup
The way a conversation begins often determines how it will end. Gottman found that 96% of the time, conflicts that start with criticism, blame, or contempt escalate negatively. A harsh approach puts a partner on the defensive, making resolution difficult.
How to Implement:
– Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You never listen.”).
– Focus on what you need rather than what your partner is doing wrong.
– Be gentle and constructive when bringing up concerns, avoiding accusatory language.
- Make and Accept Repair Attempts
A repair attempt is any action or statement intended to de-escalate tension during a disagreement. Successful couples use these moments to prevent arguments from spiraling out of control.
How to Implement:
– Recognize and accept your partner’s efforts to make peace, even if imperfect.
– Use humor, a gentle touch, or a kind word to diffuse tension.
– Apologize or validate your partner’s feelings to reset the conversation.
Adapted from a book by John Gottman
Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience helping couples strengthen their relationships. Based in San Diego and providing online therapy throughout California, she specializes in couples therapy, marriage counseling, premarital counseling, affair recovery, communication and conflict, emotional disconnection, and rebuilding trust. Her integrative approach draws on research-based relationship strategies, attachment-informed therapy, and a deep understanding of the emotional patterns that can leave couples feeling hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected.
