Avoiding Destructive Conflict Patterns
In addition to teaching positive conflict-resolution skills, Gottman warns against four toxic behaviors that predict relationship breakdown:
1- Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviors. Instead: Use gentle start-ups and express concerns without blame.
2- Contempt: Mockery, sarcasm, or belittling a partner. Instead: Show appreciation and respect.
3- Defensiveness: Making excuses instead of taking responsibility. Instead: Accept accountability, even if only partial.
4- Stonewalling: Emotionally shutting down or withdrawing. Instead: Take a break to self-soothe and re-engage with the discussion later.
Conflict in marriage is not a sign of failure—it is an opportunity for growth and deeper connection when handled effectively. By applying Gottman’s research-based strategies, couples can transform conflicts into moments of mutual understanding and emotional attunement. The key lies in approaching disagreements with respect, emotional regulation, and a commitment to strengthening the relationship rather than allowing tensions to drive a wedge between partners.
Adapted from a book by John Gottman
Dr.Baya Mebarek, Psy.D.,LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT
Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 20 years of experience helping couples strengthen their relationships. Based in San Diego and providing online therapy throughout California, she specializes in couples therapy, marriage counseling, premarital counseling, affair recovery, communication and conflict, emotional disconnection, and rebuilding trust. Her integrative approach draws on research-based relationship strategies, attachment-informed therapy, and a deep understanding of the emotional patterns that can leave couples feeling hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected.
