Aggressive Partner | San Diego Couples & Family Therapy

Anger Expressed Covertly Is both Infuriating and Destructive to a Relationship

Some people just can’t admit that they’re angry. Anger is one of the basic emotions which touches all of our lives to one degree or another. Indeed, a person who is incapable of experiencing anger would certainly be at a disadvantage in trying to survive. Used constructively, anger helps us to protect ourselves. It motivates us to solve problems and to resolve conflicts with other people. Anger is an emotion that tells us there is something wrong out there and we want to make it better.

Anger can serve a positive function in our lives, but so many of us have heard just the opposite message. How many times have we heard: “Don’t be angry.” Or “good people don’t get angry.” Or “Love and anger are opposite emotions.” Then there is the classic line: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t be angry at me.” None of these statements is compatible with emotional health. The cue is to accept your anger and learn how to express it constructively.

Passive-aggression is certainly aggressive behavior, and it is laden with anger. It is a form of hostility disguised as innocence and passivity. This type of hostility is found frequently in relationships, especially troubled relationships, because the passive-aggressive individual finds a convenient and available target for his or her anger in a partner, Even though passive-aggressive is expressed most frequently and virulently in a relationship, this form of aggression is also seen in interactions between friends or on the job.

The passive-aggressive person usually will claim not to have any anger at all. But when anger is finally brought to the surface, it is usually blamed on the partner (or a friend or a boss) who is accused of being controlling and demanding. Rather than acknowledging his or her behavior as angry, the passive-aggressive individual plays on the excuse of being the misunderstood victim. The other person is always the persecutor. Communication between partners in a passive-aggressive relationship is usually blocked off, distorted, and ultimately very destructive to both people individually and to the relationship itself.

The passive-aggressive individual will often show signs of being angry, but will never truthfully say why he or she is angry. This leaves it up to the partner to guess at the reason and this leaves the passive-aggressive party holding all the control. Sometimes the passive-aggressive partner will provoke the partner to an angry response, and then goes on to blame the partner for having a problem with anger.

For example, Janet has her parents over for dinner at 7:00 and John had promised that he will be there…but when he shows up two hours late, claiming that he had a last minute meeting with a business client, and Janet dares to show justifiable anger at his behavior, John blames her for failing to support his work ad for allowing her anger to be out of control. “Why can’t you just work with me when I have things to do? Who do I always have to put up with your anger? You’ve got a real problem. You always need to be the one making the demands. I’m tired of the way you blow up at me for nothing.” John, of course, presents himself as the innocent victim, and rather than looking into his own behavior will project the blame onto Janet and make her the problem.

Baya Mebarek, Psy.D., LMFT
www.sandiegofamilytherapy.net

Dr. Baya Mebarek

Dr. Baya Mebarek is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California. She specializes in couple therapy, pre-marital therapy, and in the treatment of children, adolescents, adults, couples and families dealing with depression.

17:44 09 Mar 23

Dr. Baya Mebarek is an exceptional therapist who has helped my wife and me rediscover our marriage's love. When we first came to her, we struggled with communication issues, and it seemed like we were constantly at odds with each other. Dr. Mebarek was incredibly patient and understanding, creating a safe space to express our feelings and concerns without fear of judgment.Dr. Mebarek gave us practical tools and techniques to improve communication and deepen our connection. She helped us see that our differences were not weaknesses but strengths that complemented each other. Through her guidance, we understood each other's needs and perspectives better, which brought us closer together.One of the most significant changes we experienced was learning how to listen actively to each other. Dr. Mebarek taught us how to communicate more effectively by paraphrasing and validating each other's feelings, which helped us to avoid misunderstandings and arguments.We are so grateful to Dr. Mebarek for helping us to save our marriage. She is a knowledgeable, compassionate, and insightful therapist who truly cares about her client's well-being. Thanks to her guidance, we now have a stronger and more loving relationship than ever before. We highly recommend her to anyone seeking to improve their relationship.

15:59 07 Dec 22

It’s always said that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Reality is that it takes three people. Dr Baya has been able to consistently keep our marriage on track sometimes the things that we go in with seems so difficult and so damaging and yet when we leave it all seems so small in the bigger picture. We have been going to her for over two years and I credit, her expertise in the field of marriage counseling for the reason my marriage is not only still existing but much better than it would be had we not started seeing her.

01:32 14 Oct 22

My now husband and I went for premarital therapy. She is absolutely fantastic. She is to the point and extremely intelligent. We both love working with her as a couple!

15:16 04 Oct 22

I have collegially associated with Dr. Baya Mebarek for over two years. During this time she has demonstrated a keen sense of intuitive insight, a highly-ethical regard for her profession, and genuine regard for those she serves.Dr. Mebarek is gentle and strong. She understands people and knows how to help them find and live their best life.I am confident that she does and will provide incredible care to those she serves, and will build and hold trust and therapeutic alliance, and will safeguard clients' entrusted and protected confidential information.

16:35 13 Oct 21

I would highly recommend Dr. Baya. We have been using her services for a few months now and see progress after every session with her. She is the first therapist we’ve used that we feel truly cares about the issues of her individual clients and listens well, but can also give great advice when necessary. Other than being a great therapist, we feel she is also a wonderful person and very punctual, which I always appreciate.

22:23 05 Mar 19

Dr. Mebarek is an illuminated soul. She told me not what I wanted to hear, but absolutely what I needed to hear. She is a seer & teller of truth, and will give you her professional opinion, which is like gold. I would recommend anyone to go talk to her in her cool & cozy office. She might save your life.

20:11 05 Jan 14

When you seek out a health practitioner, you want someone who is competent at their craft. Of equal importance, it makes a considerable difference to be treated by someone who is compassionate, nurturing, and has a grounding and calming presence. Dr Baya Mebarek is all of these things. She is genuinely interested in how her patients feel and is dedicated to helping trigger positive changes for a better mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. She is present, thoughtful and effective in her treatments. I live in SF and don't get to see her as often as I would like but I travel down to get my needed dose! I highly recommend Dr Mebarek.

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